I Need Your Help with my Wedding

The Harem would like to annouce that we are seeking a fabulous wedding gift ideas for the al Maktoum family.

Frankly, what do you buy for the person who has everything? I don't know. I want our wedding to be FABULOUS in every detail. This is an especially tall order for our wedding. I was about to throw myself down on the ground and cry in frustration when I came up with this idea: Why not ask for help?

Please help us find unique and memorable gifts for Fazza and his family and our wedding guests. To date my best idea has been to commission an artist to do a celebratory stone document commorating our marriage. His name is Jeff Cane and I'm really excited about our collaboration. Please visit his webcite www.anenglishmaninla.com or www.greatforgeries.com/art.pdf

Is this Great or Lame? Please Comment here or facebook.

And Another Thang

Fazza said we have to learn Arabic. Okay, fine; we are learning Arabic.

Fazza said we have to learn about UAE and Dubai. Okay fine; we are learning about the UAE and shit.

Fazza said we have to learn about Islam. Fine, we are learning about Islam.

What you have to explain to a Sista is this: When are you going to put your poetry in English, boo??? When are we going to hear dat? It looks stupid when you let the webcite translate it.

http://www.fazza.ae

I'm watching City 7 News with Hoda Emam

I was emailed urgently by my Sista Sheikha today. We finally found an interview of our honey in English and you can understand him. We are so proud.

Frankly, I'm glad that he is talking so clearly that even GW could understand him. Its silly to put on that fake accent that he used so famously at the Kentucky Derby a few years ago. I'm glad he dropped it.

My Sista Sheikha is disappointed, however. It was a our little secret that our glorious prince spoke perfect English and was a fine-ass mother fucker to boot. Now that he is sharing his wonderfulness, its only a matter of time before he won't be able to visit us without chickenheads mobbing him.
(one, single, salty tear rolled down her cheek.)

And of course, its on Youtube.

Wow

That's the sexiest shit I've heard on the economy yet. No wonder he has 20 kids.

I dropped and dragged the CNN clip to the bottom of the blog if you still want to watch it.

And here is the link:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/BUSINESS/06/22/sheikh.mohammed.dubai/index.html

Bulge

Sh Rashid meets Manchester United. Cool, huh? The video shows us a fit and sinewy Sh-R. What immediately struck me is how petite Rashid appears in contrast to the Manchester players. He is so little and cute. I just wanted to lick him up from head-to-toe like a carmel lollipop.

It also made me realize that Rashid and Fazza must have a whole palace full of the gifts from visiting dignitaries. (They should sell that shit on ebay and give the proceeds to charity.) And basically I was zoing out. I mean rich people meeting richer people and enabling other people to work and feed their families. What's new in that? Nothing.

Then mintue 3:38 captured my attention. It is a distance shot of Rashid talking to some old, English, white dude. Basically, edited in the "story" just to make the piece visually interesting. And it did. It made the piece very interesting. Because, yet again, I noticed Rashid's massive, bulgy codpiece. (oh my!)

Is it just me or am I always noticing Rashid's bulgy codpiece??? You see it too right? I mean, I see Fazza's balls in videos all the time. I see them so much that I am beginning to think they are following me around; I can't shake 'em. That's why they stick him behind something when he is reading poetry. Otherwise, you'd be watching his balls watch you.

And for some reason when ever Rashid is talking about football or on a football field; I see his codpiece. And, often, it is bulging. It seems to work itself into the center of the shot. What's up with that? You have noticed this too right?


Bulge, v. intr 1. To curve outward 2. To swell up 3. To stick out; protrude. http://www.dictionary.reference.com/browse/bulgy

Codpiece, n. A pouch at the crotch of the tight-fitting breeches worn by men in the 15th and 16th centuries. http://www.dictionary.reference.com/browse/codpiece

Who's That Boy?

Who is that person in the sunglasses??
Introduce us please. We haven't met.

I'd like to add

Yes. Yes Sista Sheikha. That bitch is old.

Not old in terms age or calendar years, because we too are getting older and will one day be as old as this bitch. But, old as in terms of bossy self-righteousness.

For, isn't it the old woman who yells and keeps the toys that come over her fence? Isn't it the old man who frowns with disapproval and pushes past the children who are laughing and playing games on the streets? Isn't it an old person who glares at the young people sitting down on the bus who won't give up their seats? Is it not the old who tap you on the shoulder to tell you your music is too loud?

Yes. Yes Sista Sheikha that unfortunate person is old.


And, may you, nor I, ever grow old. May we never be so old as to think it our responsibility to attempt to ruin the fun of young (and very attractive) people.

Five Simple Words

(clearing my throat) I want to start off by saying Thank You. I am truly Blessed. And it is with great care and thought that I compose and publish the following post.

Recently, on facebook, someone has been rallying subscribers to report me and my friends to the facebook authorities. That person wanted to get us in trouble and they were urging others to do the same.

For days I waffled between confusion, disbelief, and shock. Then I realised two things:
1. I have not done anything wrong.
2. I can fight back.

I thought long and hard about what my response should be. I thought about what I wanted to say about freedom and liberty. I thought about and rejected name-calling and insults. I thought about comebacks, putdowns, and apologies. I wanted to explain criticism and defend myself. Then I talked it over with my girlfriend and sister sheikha. We talked long and thought hard. However, she was able to sum up all my feelings, emotions, and sentiments in just five words. Five words. Two short and pointed sentenses. They are as follows.

Whatever. That Bitch is Old.

What Was The Point of That?

Even sheiks can have bad days. I even feel a little bummed for him. I mean, could this get any more embarassing?

Your dad and your brother are big into horses and win races and stuff. You ride; shit, your whole family does. But Fazza and dad win. Its there thing. They went to the derby last year; they won. You're the eldest and you want to make your father proud too. So you hatch this secret plan....

At least that was where I was going with this until I spoke to my girlfriend. She had a completely different opinion. She took the "Ha-ha. You lost. Your horse sucks. Ha-ha." view. And she convinced me to change my mind.

She reminded me that Rashid was raised around and has access to the best horses, trainers, jockeies, everything. His loss in the Derby is like a straight "A" student suddenly getting a "D" or an "F". It is just confusing and makes you say "What the fuck just happened? Are you okay?"

So now I am wondering, Why the fuck did Rashid enter this race? And why did he go to watch his horse lose?

What was so important about Kentucky or the Derby that you couldn't sit this one out? Fazza and your Dad stayed home. You just had to be in Kentucky on May 4th? Cause it clearly wasn't about winning the derby. I mean, come on, I know a lot of people have said that Conveyance was a contender. But even when I heard on NPR that the horse had never raced on dirt, only synthetic, even I thought 'That's not good.' And I know NOTHING about horseracing.

So seriously Rashid, What the fuck were you thinking? We all make mistakes; but.... I don't get it. (sigh) Why are you setting yourself up for ridicule? And dude, you do. Seriously.

Stop Wearing That Hat

(sigh) If you or I were to step out of the house in a bad outfit, ugly hat, dirty shoes; yes it is worthy of scorn; but it is forgivable. How so? Simply, we have limited resources at our disposal: limited time, money, energy, etc. But when you are Wealthy and Famous, it really is like I, the poor fan/viewer/magazine buyer, am being personally insulted by this wealthy, famous person.

Seriously. Some famous fashion critic said. Celebrities have stylist, publicists, a glamour squad (make-up artist, hairdresser, manicurist) and the advantage of knowing their picture will be taken and shown all around the world. It really is beneath contempt for such a person to show up badly dressed. They have no excuse.

I have adopted this opinion. I mean, I literally have $100 in my bank account; no car, and somehow I manage to leave the house looking nice and well put together. So the pictures above make no sense to me. Why is Rashid wearing that stupid hat? What am I missing? Is it cold in Dubai? They have a winter?? What; please tell me because I don’t get it. This hat looks more like some knitted, label-whore, invertebrate is trying to slowly digest his head. (My face is twisted in consternation as I am thinking about that stupid hat.)

Ok. Maybe the point that I am missing here is the following: When you are wealthy and you pay people to do stuff for you, they are not always going to tell you the hard, sad truth. I should be sympathetic, right? (Wrong. WRONG.) Thank goodness for bloggers huh?

I say this with love and respect: Rashid, stop wearing that hat. Please. It looks terrible on you. It does nothing for you. It makes you look ugly. Stop wearing logo knitted hats period. You have a large head baby. Your head is too big to be stretching out that hat.

Now I’m keeping it real: Have you lost yo goddamn mind? Take that shit off! Don’t make me slap you upside yo head. Damn! That is an ugly, motherfucking hat.

Whatever Happened to Yousif Al-Mulla?

If you are new to the Sheik pic sharing game, then I am really sorry because you may not know the name Yousif al-Mulla. Spend a couple of days searching for pics of Fazza3 and Rashid and you will notice several things. Such as: many, if not all, of the pictures of Rashid and Fazza are professionally taken, credited, and protected from re-distributions by copyright. You also start to notice that some have the signatures or emblems of the sheik being photographed.

Yousif al-Mulla was one of these photographers. Apparently, he worked for and with Rashid. In fact, you can check out a part of the hundreds of photographs in Yousif’s flickr stream: http://www.flickriver.com/photos/almulla-dxb/popular-interesting

I would characterize Yousif’s style as: contemporary, color rich, and personal. He puts you, the viewer, in the photograph. As you look at picture after picture, you start to feel as if you could have taken these pictures yourself. You also start to feel as if you witnessed the subject and the event first-hand. They are such a subtle mix of quality and true-to-life depth without feeling rigid or posed. In short, Yousif al Mulla is an excellent documentarian photographer. Seriously, check out his flickr stream! You feel as if you are there! They are as compelling, colorful, and fluid as an HD video shots. But they are still photos. The guy is talented and his pictures have this intangible quality that makes them vibrate with energy and life.

My Observations About Life in Dubai

There was a Korean bar about three blocks from my house called Dubai. Large, black, letters backlit with blue LED lights spelled out Dubai right above the lone front door. The kind of blue that was once used exclusively for those buzzing bug lamps. Often, I found myself wondering, what goes on in there?

I have never been to Dubai. In fact that bar is the closets I have ever come to being anywhere near Dubai. But I do wonder. What is life like in the UAE? What is life like in Dubai for the princely Sheiks? How are they treated? Would I enjoy living in the UAE if I wasn’t a sheik?

Now that I have officially made the pics of this family my life, I am putting together clues about life in the UAE. Such as Observation 1: it is hot and sunny: given the geographic location, I’m not taking any risks in assuming this is true. Observation 2, and this might be taking a risk but I’m going for it, the country is sparsely populated. There are no crowd scenes in any of the photos or videos.

Also, I’m thinking Observation 3: Dubai Must Be A Very Friendly Place.
In fact, Dubai may be the friendliest and kindest place on earth. Why?
I hear that the so-fine-sheiks roam around the country and its major cities without security and without being hassled by mobs. That is astounding to me. Frankly it is unimaginable to my American mind. You are famous. You are rich. You are attractive to boot and no one is running after you trying to tear you limb from limb. I don’t understand that. I get hassled when my hair is freshly did; oh and btw, I ain’t got no money. How do these fools rule a country and no one is running after them?

Observation 4: Fazza3 is the most popular Al Maktoum. He is clearly nice and down-to-earth. Why? He is smiling the widest in all pictures, always kissing animals (camel kissing…do I need say more?) and pausing for a candid picture with his right arm wrapped happily around the neck of said person.

Now since they look so much alike, Fazza and his brother Rashid, maybe some of those pictures are Rashid and not Fazza. Eeeeh, I don’t think so. If these pictures are copyright protected they typically have the Fazza3 symbol and not the little horsey head which is Rashid. I do remember seeing some stills of an Al Maktoum shiek playing soccer with a child on the beach (cute little boy; 5-8 year old). But again, it was on Fazza3’s webpage if I remember correctly. He stops playing with the child to give him a kiss. (Isn’t that loveable?) Meanwhile, Rashid has a video clip of himself calling dudes into a room to show them his new webpage on a flat screen. It is an Awesome new website, don’t get me wrong. (Have you voted? www.sh-rashid.net) However, that seems a little arrogant to me.

America has no royalty but we do kiss the asses of the rich and powerful. A digression to illustrate, GW Bush’s entire presidency was just one guy surrounded by a bunch of ass kissers: Smart ass-kissers; marginally more credible ass-kissers; but all ass-kissers because none of them ever said to GW; ‘You’re wrong. Go fuck yourself.’ Consequently, Rashid’s self congratulatory video clip, doesn’t pull at my heart strings the same way Fazza’s beach soccer scene does; even though it may have been staged for effect also.

Now Here's the Situation

Sheikh Rashid bin Mohammed Al Maktoum (Arabic: الشيخ راشد بن محمد آل مكتوم, styled HH Sheikh Rashid) (born on 12 November 1981) is the eldest son of UAE Vice President, Prime Minister and Ruler of Dubai His Highness Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum and Sheikha Hind bint Maktoum bin Juma Al Maktoum.

He’s the eldest son. With all that I know about birth order, sexism, royalty, and inheritance; Rashid should be the heir. He should be ruling Dubai. But he’s not. What’s Rashid doing you ask? He’s a football star.

D oesn’t add up to much in the USA, but the rest of the world loves watching men kick that checker print ball around. Soccer, football, is the obsession of several countries: Again, not America. So he’s like a star there. It’s like … I dunno ….if Kobe or Tiger Woods were also president/vice president of the United States.

Americans elect one actor as president and one action hero to govern the 7th largest economy in the world and you got to run out and copy that? Come on people…?

Anyway, you are the eldest son of the ruler of a country. Your Dad can and will buy you anything you want; people do what you say…and you play football.
(Pause while that sinks in and you come to your own judgments and conclusions.)

In my mind, that reads Rashid bin Mohammed Al Maktoum is a Bad-Ass Motherfucker. Follow my logic for a moment

1. You are the eldest son of the hereditary ruler of a county.

2. Said ruler has a vast personal fortune and has actual power… he could put people in jail or kill them in the UAE.

3. You are to get all dat; Its going to be handed to you…and you say “Nah man. I wanna play soccer.”

Talk about balls: stone balls dipped in steel. I don’t know about your parents but mine are still telling me what to do. If I don’t; there is hell
to pay: Angry phone calls, long letters, and I never live it down. I’m still
hearing about sneakers I lost in 1987. (I was in 6th grade.)

This dude says no to govern a country; his Dad, tradition, and plays soccer.

It’s the SHID! Shout!

The ‘Shid also has his own web presence: http://www.sh-rashid.net/. The “sh” is to remind you in case you forget: I a princely sheik muddafuckas!

1. Disclaimer: All my opinions are based on cultural stereotypes and personal prejudice.

Majid Won't Smile

This is a picture of the third handsomest al Maktoum: Majid. He looks very serious dosen't he? Whatever he says, you would have to take it seriously. This looks like a guy who does not know how to kid. Frankly, his sober mug makes him the easiest to spot in Maktoum family portraits or entourage shots. He is the guy not smiling. Which just begs the question: Why won't Majid smile? Is Majid happy? Is he sad? Is Majid angry? Does Majid have a wedgie? Does Majid smell something bad?
Fazza smiles; Rashid smiles; Dad smiles. Why won't Majid smile?

I'm thinking about writing a song entitled Majid won't smile. I will sing it to the tune Feliz Navidad. It's pretty catchy.

Sheik
sheik   /ʃik, ʃeɪk/ Show Spelled[sheek, sheyk] Show IPA –noun
1.Also, shaikh, sheikh. (in Islamic countries) the patriarch of a tribe or family; chief: a term of polite address.
2. (Slang) a man held to be masterful and irresistibly charming to women.
Dictionary.com, "sheik," in The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Source location: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/sheik. Available: http://dictionary.reference.com. Accessed: February 22, 2010.

I didn't stand a chance; this was fated. I mean, his name...his title means an alluring man. When I became aware of Fazza3's existence, (those of us who love him call him Fazza 3; family nickname; another story; another time) suddenly it all became clear. This was the man. No more silly crushes on actors or hot models; no more disappointing crushes on musicans. This was it. Peace. Then I found out he had brothers and I lost it.